Copyright 1997 by Harold Reynolds. Inquiries by publishers are welcome!! Inspired by a small set of Cat Rules (with the same title) by Gary Bogue. Illustrations contributed (with many thanks!) and copyright by Paul J. Lareau, and placed by Laurie Miller, maintainer of the The Malcolm Cat Protection Society (in Cyprus) WWW site.
0. PREFACE (for the Humans)
Hello, fellow Cat slaves! The original copy of the "Basic Rules for Cats who Have a House to Run" was uncovered in a surprise raid on the Kitten Training Centre by the daring Cat Slave Intelligence Service (CSIS) agent Gary Bogue. (He has since been placed in the Witness Protection Program and is now somewhere in Contra Costa County, California). Their cover was blown when a copy was posted to Usenet and fellow agent Harold Reynolds (myself) got ahold of it. Based on careful observations Reynolds (myself) got ahold of it. Based on careful observations of his masters, plus those of other agents throughout the world, the list of Cat Rules has grown into a hefty document.
Be sure not to be seen by your masters laughing at the Cat Rules. We may think they are funny, but they are taken very seriously by our masters and those who laugh will likely find hairballs in their shoes.
Yours in servitude, Harold Reynolds
1. INTRODUCTION
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy Cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. FOOD
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and Hamper, a Cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. Obviously the latter should be pursued whenever possible. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
- When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
- Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
- Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. If a human catches you at it and chases you away, run back as soon as his back is turned and drink some more (unless he tossed the water into the sink, of course). See also WATER.
- The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet, or you are in one's lap. If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a "ridiculously early hour" for breakfast (as with the Early Breakfast CAT CLUB), be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you outside or in the basement as to feed you. See WAKING THEM UP. If you are installed in a lap, be extra friendly with purring and head-butting. As soon as you have the human's attention, leap off and run to your dish, meowing to make sure you are noticed.
- Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and will try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a Cat-door, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all.
- Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a Cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively, and resting your paws on the human's leg and meowing to remind them you're still interested.
- Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both Cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it.
- Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box.
- If you steal something from the trash that you are not supposed to have (the greasier the better), remember to drag it onto the carpet, where the smell can be detected and enjoyed for several days even if cleaned. Be sure to growl at your human when she tries to take your prize away.
- Some humans have one or more large glass tanks filled with water, called "aquariums". Inside these aquariums are delicate morsels called fish, which are much prized by Cats as snacks. If possible, leap on top of the tank, flip up the lid that the humans use to put food into the tank, and stare down until you think you can snag one. Unfortunately, this action will require getting your paw wet, since the fish will not cooperative by jumping out for you, but the result will be worth it. If you can swipe a fish onto the floor, it becomes an amusing toy as it flops around helplessly. Once it is no longer entertaining, you may eat it. Be warned that the humans will not appreciate your efforts, so try not to get caught in the same room as the aquarium so they won't blame you for the mysterious fish population depletion. If access is denied by the wicked humans, watching the fish swim around is a good way to relax.
- The Quest For Food should begin at least an hour before the feeding times your humans have set for you, because you just never know when their feeble minds will fail to remind them of the all-important task of nourishing their masters. Phase One consists of verbal reminders and Meaningful Glances at the humans, response to which will range from ignoring in the afternoon or evening to having items thrown at you or being ejected outside if in the (to them) early morning. Phase Two involves more activity on your part. Divide your time between hovering near the empty food dish (perhaps licking it to make sure it's truly empty) and being under foot and issuing more reminders and Meaningful Glances. Whenever the human's path takes him/her even approximately in the direction of the food dish or the place where the food is stored, immediately stampede to either of these locations. The response will likely be demands for patience, derogatory comments, and perhaps a kick if you get too closely underfoot. Phase Three, the final phase, involves your escalating Hampering activities to the maximum, plus more direct actions like knocking over items from desks, dressers, kitchen counters, or chewing on books, magazines, plants, etc. Keep one ear open for the humans, who will likely be on the warpath as soon as they realize you have moved into this phase. Finally they will either give in or else it will be feeding time, so be sure to devour your ill-gotten gains and consider your next moves during your post-meal nap.
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